Sociopath Traits In Relationships: Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Are you worried that you might be in a manipulative relationship? Do you feel that there is something wrong but you can't quite put your finger on it? Recognizing sociopath traits in relationships may help you understand. Let's investigate further...

 

Mask of sanity

In Hervey Cleckley's book he outlines 16 sociopath traits after extensive research into the lives of sociopaths (defined as a person who exhibits antisocial personality disorder, characterized by a persistent pattern of disregard for the rights and feelings of others, lack of empathy and manipulative and antisocial behavior. This term is informal and it is not a clinical diagnosis, the clinical term being antisocial personality disorder.)

You can read the first group of sociopath traits in relationships here.

In this article we will specifically look at

1. Inability to love
2. General lack of emotions
3. Inability to take other perspectives
4. Distorted interpersonal relations
5. Drinking and drugs
6. Disordered sex lives
7. Lack of concern for the future

 

9. Sociopath traits in relationships - pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

The degree of egocentricity can be astonishing. Sometimes they can hide it but careful observation shows it to be unmodifiable and complete. Hervey Cleckley says it can best be expressed by saying that it is an incapacity to love, and in Cleckley's experience with well marked psychopaths, this incapacity is absolute.

He carefully explains that sociopaths are capable of casual fondness and reactions that cause others to matter to them. But these are limited in degree and don't last very long in comparison to normal people.

The word 'absolute' is appropriate, he says, if we're talking about any affective attitude that is strong enough for us to call it love, by which he means anything that is sufficiently strong and lasts long enough to exert a major influence on behavior.

So, if you have ever asked yourself, "Can sociopaths love their partners?" the answer is a resounding "No!"

Certainly, sociopaths can be skilful enough to pretend to love a woman or to be devoted to their children. And there are a group of people who seem to be concerned for others only in so far as it enhances themselves (for example, the parent who gives money and attention to a child in order to bask in the child's successes), but psychopaths appear not to even do this.

Even when they say they love someone, their actions in relation to the financial, emotional and physical problems they cause for this person, exposes their true attitude.

This idea of not being able to love is of great significance because, for example, a marriage is based on the idea that each person loves the other. A woman who believes that a man loves and cares for her will obviously believe that it makes sense to get married, buy a house and have children with this man. To find out later that this man does not actually love the family but, in fact, has been abusing and taking advantage of the family is devastating. It is a huge shock, a betrayal of enormous proportions.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders points out that these people's relationships are not based on love, but on domination and exploitation. Coercion and intimidation is used to control others.

Read about the signs your mom is controlling and what happens in a marriage to a sociopath here...

 

10. General poverty in major affective reactions

Another of the sociopath traits in relationships is a general lack of emotions. Any verbal descriptions a sociopath gives of their feelings are more likely to have been learnt then to come from a strength of feeling. So if you have ever wondered how your partner can be so cruel or vicious, it's because they have no empathy, no guilt or remorse, over how they treat others!

They may exhibit rage, or shallow moods of self-pity and shallow poses of indignation, but wholehearted anger, deep joy and genuine despair are not available. Humor they can feign, but they never have a genuine sense of humor.

The lack of emotion often catches people's attention at funerals, for example, when the sociopath does not express emotions in the way that would be typical. Those close to the sociopath, however, will notice many more instances of coldness and callousness in the day to day living.

A wife can often be shocked at how cruel her husband is treating her, but because they are married, she cannot accept that someone could be so cruel. A husband surely would not be doing such a thing on purpose!

One of my clients, as a child, watched her sociopathic mother berating different neighbours to such an extent that the neignbors ended up in tears. The child justified to herself (for decades) that her mother must not have recognized the effect she was having on other people and that's why she upset them.

Not until my client realized that sociopaths have no emotions did she understand that her mother could do these things deliberately because she never felt bad about anything she did to others, despite how severely her victims might have been suffering. Then, of course, my client also had to deal with the fact that her own mother was doing the very same things to her!

The lack of emotion makes them fantastic liars. Any relationship with a sociopath is based on lies and deception. The whole relationship is based on rewriting realities that are fabricated in their own heads. You can read more about gaslighting here. Even when they are caught out in a lie, they just straight out lie some more to continue the manipulation!

And despite the lack of emotions they are often masterful at manipulating other people's emotions, including love bombing at the start of relationships, using fear and guilt to maintain control and they will often keep people on an emotional rollercoaster throughout the relationship and even after the relationship has supposedly finished.

 

11. Sociopath traits in relationships - specific loss of insight

By this Hervey Cleckley means that the sociopath has no ability to see himself as others see him. Or rather, he has no ability to know how others feel when they see him. Again, this is something that he can pretend, because he has read about it. He can use all the words, and define all the words, but remains blind to what they mean.

It shows up in his belief, for example, that he has committed no crime or that the punishment should not apply to him. Or he asks for a psychologist's report about himself when he should know that such a negative report would be detrimental to his plans.

Another example I have of this idea is that a recently diagnosed psychopath wrote to me on the site here attacking me for my writings. He wrote, "I was recently forced to see a psychiatrist and I was told that all the slanderous filth that people spew about me may be correct."

In other words, when people criticized him he considered it 'slanderous filth' because he believed that whatever he had done was acceptable and he was unable to take other people's perspective on the situation.

 

12. Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations

Sociopaths don't respond normally to kindness or trust. No matter how well he is treated there is never any consistent response of appreciation. "One good turn deserves another" is not something the sociopath feels any obligation over.

However, they will often do small courtesies and favors for others, typically to create a sense of obligation in the person receiving the favor (abuse of reciprocity), or to create a favorable impression in those who witness it.

For example, the 'good neighbor' who cuts the lawn for the widow on the corner, or carries her groceries into the house to manipulate other people's impressions into thinking he is trustworthy, but actually while in the house he leaves one of her windows open and breaks in later and robs her.

In separations and divorces, for example, treating the sociopath well in the hope that they will return the favor is not a good strategy. The sociopath will simple see your kindness as a weakness. They will take advantage by accepting what you offer but will not give back in return.

 

13. Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink and sometimes without

While some sociopaths don't drink, others overindulge frequently. Sometimes there is "shocking, fantastic, uninviting, or relatively inexplicable behavior which emerges when he drinks".

There is vulgarity, a domineering rudeness, petty bickering or buffoonish quasi-maulings of wife, mistress or children and quick shifts between maudlin and vainglorious moods which Cleckley says are one of the traits specific to the psychopath. There is seldom real gaiety or conviviality or any evidence of pleasurable reaction. The alcohol, however, may numb any inhibitions and give rise to outlandish behaviors.

They may need little alcohol for this to start, and before they drink they know what they have done in the past and they drink anyway. They may do things that have no appeal for normal people and they may do things that normal people would never dream of!

Drug abuse is also common among sociopaths. They often say that when they take drugs or alcohol, they 'feel alive'. The bodily sensations they have with the drink or drugs may be used to make up for the monotony of not having emotional sensations.

 

14. Suicide rarely carried out

They may threaten suicide to control and manipulate others. Occasional bogus attempts are made but again they are often premeditated and designed to control. This is a particularly nasty form of manipulation because it plays very heavily on the emotions of the victims.

 

15. Sociopath traits in relationships - sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated

Invariably there are peculiarities in the sociopath's sex life. As in other areas, it only takes the slightest impulse for them to engage in deviant sexual behavior. There is little repugnance or other inhibitions to stop them from trying out different things.

Remember that a significant sociopath trait in relationships is that they cannot love, so sexual aims don't seem to include any important personality relations or any great desire to share an intimate experience. Sex is limited to literal physical contact with none of the emotional aspects that make adult love relations so thrilling and indescribable.

One of the sociopath traits in relationships in the group Hervey Cleckley's studied was that they never seemed to find anything emotionally meaningful or personal in the relationships, there were simply localized and temporary sensations. This helps to explain why these types are able to treat people as objects. Before they even finish one relationship, they are often hunting on the dating sites for other victims.

Cleckley believes their sexual promiscuity is probably due to a lack of self restraint rather than to any strong passions or drives.

It's very likely nowadays that many psychopaths have realized that intimate sexual contact is a great way to control others. Once a person has given up their intimacy, they have surrendered everything.

 

16. Failure to follow any life plan

The last of his sociopath traits is about the inability to follow any sort of like plan consistently. They may have lots of big ideas but have severe difficulty in carrying through on any of them. Often trivial impulses are enough to distract his or her attention.

This lack of concern for the future often shows up in the sociopath spending huge amounts of money, or taking out loans with no concern for paying them back. They engage in risky behaviors without any concern for their safety or the safety of others, driving dangerously, doing drugs, extreme sports etc.

In the first of the sociopath traits there was the impression of somebody with above-average intelligence and desirable human attributes. When you examine the whole of a psychopath's life, we see that mental competency is often sorely lacking.

Harvey Cleckley writes that it's like a spectacle that suggests madness in excelsis, despite the absence of all those symptoms that enable us, to some degree, to account for irrational conduct in the psychotic.

Of course, there are very intelligent sociopaths, too. But they are still driven by power and control and often do things that are detrimental to themselves and others simply because it has to be their way or the highway. And some sociopaths do have the ability to stick at things for some time.

For example, politicians, big business owners and cult leaders spend years making sure they keep power and control, but it doesn't mean that they will not switch beliefs in an instant if the new belief allows them to maintain or augment their power.

 

Sociopath traits in relationships visible in your own situation?

What should you do if you realize you are involved with a sociopath? The first thing is not to ignore the signs. Let me repeat that. Do not ignore the signs. You need to investigate further.

• Learn about sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists.
• Learn about how they manipulate using mind control and coercion.
• Did I mention not to ignore the signs?? Do not justify them away either! There is no excuse for abuse.
• Talk to trusted outsiders about what is going on in the relationship, even if you feel you are betraying the sociopath.
• You have to stop the abuse as quickly as possible. This may mean getting out of the situation.
• Then you have to undo the damage they have done.
• Get professional help, but only from someone who understands the dynamics in such relationships. It will save you a lot of time and heartache.
• Do not give such types a second chance. Things usually only deteriorate the second time around.

Use the navigation bar on the page for further articles about these ideas.

 

Sociopath traits in relationships - more information

Robert Hare, in his book "Without Conscience", also writes about the psychopath traits and the features of the antisocial lifestyle.

Do sociopaths know they are sociopaths?

Read about the sociopath at work, more about psychopaths, the incidence of sociopathy, how to know if a boyfriend is emotionally abusive, how sociopaths behave in relationships and healing from an abusive relationship.

Written by Dr. David Mc Dermott, an expert in personality disorders and relationships.

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