This "is my husband controlling quiz" is a series of questions designed to help you clarify and validate whether you husband is controlling and abusive or not. Some of the answers will be easy for you. Others will not be so easy. Some of the questions will need you to think about them because, if you are in a controlling relationship, your thinking and perceptions have been changed and your critical thinking has been affected.
Obviously, nobody wants to think that are being controlled in a relationship. However, if you are begin controlled, you really want to know about it as soon as possible. Every day that you are in a controlling relationship is a day that is being stolen from your life. Nobody ever says, after leaving a controlling relationship, "You should have left me there a bit longer." Instead, it's always, "Wow, I wish I had left a lot sooner!" Well, now is your chance to check if you are in a controlling relationship or not.
Do you feel like you have lost yourself in the relationship?
Do you spend most of your day running around trying to make sure he has things the way he wants so that he doesn't get upset?
When he is not around, and you are about to make a choice, do you ask yourself what he would want or which option would not cause him to get angry?
Does he ridicule your ideas and preferences?
Is his time always more important than yours? Is his work more important than yours?
Does he treat you with contempt? Are you made to feel inferior to him on a regular basis?
In fact, does he repeat things over and over again? Does he have favorite sayings or phrases that he uses to make you feel guilty or stupid? (This repetition is important!)
Do you find that you are in a lot of "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations? It seems that no matter how hard you try, how much time or effort or time you put into something, it's never enough and he complains about it?
Does he control the finances? Does he keep you up to date with the family financial situation? Do you have to account for any money you spend? Have you stopped spending much money on yourself?
Does he call you derogatory names? A lot of swearing? A lot of shouting?
Have you changed your opinion of yourself since starting the relationship? Do you think you are less intelligent than others? Do you feel less important than others? Are there times when you feel useless or worthless?
Have you given up your hobbies and sports since meeting him? Did that happen fairly quickly into the relationship?
Have you noticed that you spend less time with friends and family? Does he criticize your friends and family? Does he make it unpleasant when they come to the house to visit? Has it become easier just not to invite anyone to the house anymore?
At the start of the relationship, did you feel that you had met the man of your dreams? Your soulmate? Someone who understood you like no one else?
Now, do you look at your husband and wonder where that amazing person went? Well, the truth is that the amazing person you met and fell in love with, doesn't exist. He was created to make you feel like he was "the one". The thing you are married to now, that's the real person! The fantastic one is never going to reappear for you. He may, of course, appear to target his next victim, but you should give up all hope of having good times with the nice one again.
Does your husband lie to you? A lot? Or do you just have sneaking suspicions that he may be lying but you can't seem to find proof. But you can't shake off those suspicions either, no matter what he says.
Does everything seem to be all about him, what he thinks, what he wants, what he says should happen?
Are you expected to forgive him any time he does something to upset you? He has reasons and justifications for what he does but you are not allowed to use the same ones?
Have you noticed that he never forgives you? He will keep reminding you of all the 'nasty' things that you have done in the past... and this is all done at specific times to make you feel bad so that you give in to whatever he wants in that moment?
Does he make you stick to your decisions? But he changes his mind any time he wants to? And both of these situations invariably benefit him and there is some cost to you each time?
Of course, if there are threats, actual physical violence (which includes punching the wall beside you, breaking your stuff, throwing things around, pushing you, pulling hair, hitting you with doors 'accidentally', etc.), taking your keys so you cannot drive away, locking you in rooms, physically blocking you when you want to walk away, all these are indicators of control, too. I am not spending much time on these things because I want to pay more attention to those things that are not so obviously controlling when you are actually in the relationship.
These types of relationships are difficult to spot for various reasons and it's often not until someone points things out to the person being controlled that they realize things are not right. For example, a man claims that he is better at math than his wife so he says to her that it makes sense that he does the books and she doesn't have to worry about it. Oftentimes it may be easy for the woman to agree to this, not realizing that he has an ulterior motive. It's not until well into it that she realizes she has no clue what is going on, but it's too late then. He has a firm grip on the financial reins and he ain't letting go... Any questions on her part are met with a volley of ideas, "We decided it was going to be like this from the start, you agreed to it!" "Are you accusing me of not doing a good job?" "I have it all under control, you do your things and I will do mine." "You think you can do better, do you?" And so on, until she feels bad enough that she gives up asking.
Are there cycles in the relationship where things seem to be going ok but then he turns nasty, often for the slightest thing? Afterwards, he minimizes the unpleasantness, blames it on you or even denies anything happened? He may even promise it won't happen again or play nice for a while... There are two important points here. The first is that his unpredictability keeps you in a state of tension, never knowing when he will explode again, but knowing that he will. This is the feeling of walking on eggshells all the time.
The second thing is that when things are in the good phase of the cycle, it's easy for the victim to forgive and forget the nastiness, hoping that now that things are good again there is hope that the situation will continue to be so. This is a trap not to fall into. You have been living like this for years. Things are not going to get better. Hope is not a useful strategy in a controlling relationship.
If you are recognizing many of the above patterns in your relationship, then there is another vital factor that you have to consider.
There is lots written about why people control others, with reasons ranging from insecurity to poor role models during their upbringing to childhood abuse.
However, there is a group of people who control for the sake of controlling.
A recent study in the US showed that in the family courts, of the spouses who were court ordered into therapy for 'anger issues', 80% had a personality disorder. First of all, 80% is a huge proportion. That is a very significant number.
Secondly, what are personality disorders? This means the controlling spouses were psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. For these people, their relationships are based on coercion and exploitation. They deliberately and methodically manipulate others for their own benefit.
This may be a shock to some because they can't imagine that their spouse may be a psychopath. The image they have of a psychopath does not line up with the person they have been married to for the last number of years.
But if you are married to a psychopath, or a narcissist, it would be prudent to recognize this fact. The rules they play by are different and if you continue as normal, you are going to lose big time.
You can read more here about mind control, what an abusive relationship is, the stages of an abusive relationship, verbally abusive husbands, how to leave an abusive relationship, how to divorce a sociopath and recovering from narcissistic abuse.
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If you think you are, or have been, in a cult or a destructive relationship, or a friend or family member might be in a cult and you want to talk to someone, send me a message on the Contact page and we can arrange to talk. All communication will be treated in the strictest confidence.