Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive? is a very important question to be able to answer clearly and easily. The problem is that victims are usually not able to recognize what is actually going on in the relationship. In fact, they are often the last ones to figure it out. While family and friends can see what is going on, the victims struggle. This is by no means the fault of the victim. This is the nature of mind control and coercion. The victim has been trained to justify away all the bad behavior of the partner in various ways.
So let's have a look at some things that indicate that there is emotional abuse going on in a relationship. If you see many of these things in your relationship, but not all of them, that's ok. Sometimes the pattern may not be present, or it may be present but you don't see it. It often helps to talk to a third party who may be able to clarify the situation for you.
Can he make you feel incredibly good and also incredibly bad? Were there lots of good times at the start but over time, the bad times started creeping in? Are there more bad times now than good times? Do you do things now to avoid upsetting him so that he doesn't make you feel bad?
Does he have one face out in public (caring, friendly, charming) but you see another side of him behind closed doors (demanding, irritable, critical)?
Have you kept secrets from your friends and family about certain unpleasant things that have happened in your relationship? Do you feel that you would be betraying your partner if you revealed what was going on?
Does your boyfriend make you feel guilty about a range of things? Do you end up giving in to what he wants because of it? Have you a sense that when he is upset that the whole relationship is on the line, that you might lose him?
Are you afraid of him? Afraid of his temper? Afraid that he might turn on you at any moment? A general fear of upsetting him? Or are you afraid that he might get physically abusive again?
Does he criticize not only you but other people a lot, too? Has he criticized your family and friends to the extent that he has changed your perceptions of them? Have you noticed that you are not spending as much time with your family and friends?
Do you have to run everything by him before dong anything or otherwise he claims that you are making unilateral decisions or somehow not including him? At the same time, does he make lots of decisions and not discuss them with you beforehand? Does he typically claim that he is justified in doing this for some reason or other?
Does he make up the rules as he goes along? Do you only realize what the rules are when you have broken them and he is berating you? Does he have one set of rules for himself and another set for you? In other words, he can do things that you cannot and he justifies why he can do them?
Is he always right and you are always wrong? Does he take credit for anything good in the relationship and you get the blame for anything that goes wrong? For example, does he humiliate you and then tell you that he has to do this for the good of the relationship? Or he rips into you and then says that it's because you need to change because if only you were different there would not be any problems between the pair of you?
Does he repeat certain phrases or ideas frequently? Do these phrases benefit him while you lose out? This repetition is very significant. He is basically forcing these ideas on you and even if you don't fully accept them, the repetition means that you will often act is if these ideas are true.
Do you argue about the same things over and over again? Do you think it must be because he doesn't get what you want or you cannot communicate with him? What if that is not true? What if he knows exactly what is going on but he is simply determined that you can't have your way and he just repeats his ideas over and over until you give in or accept his point of view?
Do you feel that you have lost yourself in the relationship? Do you have a sense that you no longer know who you are?
Are you expected to forgive him anything and everything? But he never forgives you? In fact, he regularly reminds you about your faults, mistakes, wrongdoings, etc. when he wants to make you feel bad?
Does he keep you busy with errands, doing house work, helping him in his business, shopping for items and so on? Does he keep you mentally busy as well, saying things that don't seem to make sense but you end up spending hours trying to understand why he would say such things?
Do you feel worthless, inferior, less than others, to the point that you don't even go after what you want anymore?
Does he lie to you? Do you suspect that he is lying to you? Or have you already figured out that he is a fantastic liar?
Whenever you are happy or having a good moment, does he ruin it? Maybe he reminds you of something bad you did, criticizes you, minimizes your success or turns everything around to be about him?
Does he create unpleasantness when you are about to go and spend time with family or friends? Or afterwards?
Does he redefine things? "When you say that it means..." or, "When you do this it indicates to me that you don't love me." In the same way, does he tell you what you are thinking, what you like and don't like and so on?
Does the idea of leaving him terrify you? Do you think you might not be able to survive without him? Or you might never find another boyfriend?
If you recognize these traits in your relationship then you seriously need to do something to protect yourself.
You need to learn about mind control, or coercive control and you also need to understand manipulators.
What type of person are you in a relationship with? Are you dealing with someone with a personality disorder, the psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. If your boyfriend is in this category, you really do need to understand. Firstly, the rules you have to go by are different. Secondly, they are not going to change. And thirdly, you have to undo the damage they have done so that you don't end up in another abusive relationship.
You can read more about what an abusive relationship is all about, the stages in such a relationship, more symptoms of an abusive relationship, leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, healing from emotional abuse and dating after an abusive relationship.
Would you like to talk to someone about your situation?
If you think you are, or have been, in a cult or a destructive relationship, or a friend or family member might be in a cult and you want to talk to someone, send me a message on the Contact page and we can arrange to talk. All communication will be treated in the strictest confidence.