How Do Abusive Relationships Begin? 7 Early Warning Signs

Many people don't realize they're in a toxic relationship for months or even years. Why does that happen? It's because they cannot give a clear answer to the question, 'how do abusive relationships begin?'

This article will teach you specifically what manipulators do to trick their victims, what the red flags are to watch out for and what to do if you are already caught.

So if you have been in a bad relationship before and don't want to get caught again, or you know somebody who you think might be in a controlling relationship and you want to help, let's look at how the abuse develops and how people get trapped in abusive relationships because of the psychological patterns of abusers.

Not sure if your relationship is abusive? Take a quick quiz. Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive?

 

How do abusive relationships begin? 2 patterns

There are 2 general ways in which abuse relationships start. One is where the abuser does what is known as love bombing. The abuser quickly sizes up their target, figuring out what the target wants, likes, fears, dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses and so on. The manipulator then acts out the role of the perfect partner for their target.

This can be in the setting of an intimate relationship, teacher-student, boss-employee, therapist-patient, mentor-mentee, etc. etc. The manipulator is basically providing exactly what the target is looking for, in a manner that seems to be ideal for the target.

The target wants a job, companionship, to learn something, a connection with god, a haircut, to practice martial arts, to do yoga or a variety of other things. And in front to them they find a friendly, kind, loving, considerate person offering them exactly what they want. Well, what's not to like? It seems to make sense to move forward by making a commitment with this person, right?

If the person has any doubts, the manipulator will shower them with gifts, compliments, time and attention even to the point that the target feels that they have met someone who 'gets' them in so many ways. The phrase 'soul-mate' gets bandied about a lot at this stage.

Remember that if someone knew that the person in front of them was rough and abusive, they would run a mile. The manipulators and abusers know this all too well, so they hide their true character up front. They play the role of the ideal partner to trick people into committing to a relationship with them. They can play this role very, very well. They get people into states of emotional highs so that logic goes out the window.

So let's make this the first red flag. (I will list them all again later on)

 

Another early warning sign of an abusive relationship

Some people report that on first meeting their abuser, they thought that there was something off about the person. Some even remember feeling disgust, revulsion, repugnance and other strong emotions. However, this initial impression was ignored for a variety of reasons. The victim says they did not understand it, or they gave the manipulator the benefit of the doubt because a family member or friend had introduced them so the person must be ok.

Either way, that initial impression was over ridden, the manipulator started to talk, and very quickly everything changed. The victim was quickly enamoured by the smooth talking of the manipulator. This is the second red flag.

 

How do abusive relationships begin - persistence

The second general pattern in which abusive relationships begin is with the target having no interest at all in the manipulator. There may or may not be any of this initial disgust but the target is not attracted in any way by the manipulator.

That doesn't stop the abuser, though. The abuser decides that they want a relationship and he or she will make a pest of themselves until the target eventually gives in and agrees to go on a date, or come to a class, or whatever. Some of my clients say that they really were not interested in their abuser initially but he kept asking for a date, and kept asking, until after 6 or 8 months, my clients gave in.

Once the manipulator had 3 or 4 hours non stop contact where they could talk and talk, my clients began to come around and then agreed to a second date. This turned into months and years of an abusive relationship.

Let this be red flag number 3.

 

How does emotional abuse start in a relationship?

So you are in the relationship and things are great. Your partner gives you lots of time, attention, praise and gifts. You want these nice times to continue forever.

Your partner mentioned one or two things that bothered them, but you modified one of your behaviors and you stopped saying a couple of things in order not to upset them. This was no big deal. You were happy to do it. You want your partner to feel as good as you do. You trust your partner and feel very comfortable, you feel your secrets are safe with them.

 

 

And then, out of the blue, something bad happens. He promises to do something important and he does not do it. She turns up late for something and ruins the event. Or she says something horrible in front of your parents. It is very distressing for you. There may or may not be an argument but you end up forgiving because, after all, the relationship is so good and it seems out of character.

However, soon afterwards, something else unpleasant occurs. There is an argument. Your partner gives you all sorts of excuses, they were stressed, tired, they may even blame you. You are too sensitive, look how well they have treated you so far and all they have done for you. How can you complain? And you may even doubt yourself. But you end up accepting what happened. After all, the relationship has been so great and you really want things to continue. This is how abuse starts in relationships.

And then it happens a third time. And you end up tolerating it.

 

How do abusive relationships begin? Personality changes

So let's examine what is happening. Many will tell you that if someone treated them badly that they would not put up with it, that they would leave. But, and this is a big but, after the love bombing, there is an abnormal bond created between the abuser and their victim. The abuser has tricked the victim into thinking that the abuser is a wonderful person who loves and cares for them.

But the abuser is actually molding the personality of the victim. They have been manipulating the behaviors, the perceptions, the thinking, the emotions and the decision making of the victim. The abuser has also been creating dependency in the victim.

All the love and care that the abuser lavishes on the victim has become conditional. By the time this bad behavior starts to kick in, the victim has to act and think in certain ways to keep the care and attention coming. You can read more about the dynamics in abusive relationships in this article about narcissistic boyfriends.

So, in abusive relationships, when the bad behavior kicks in, the victim actually tries harder to please the abuser to avoid such unpleasantness in the relationship. I know this is twisted, but this is the nature of mind control and it's what happens in controlling relationships. The victim does not recognize what is happening as abuse because they believe that the abuser actually loves them and has their best interests at heart. This is the fourth of our red flags in relationships.

 

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Consider these episodes of bad behavior as tests. The abuser is testing you to see how far they can push you and still get you to stay. They are basically testing the limits of their control.

They do something, you react. Depending how you react, they know how much control they have.

If you threaten to leave, for example, they will cycle through all sorts of things to get you to stay. They will promise it will never happen again. They will try to diminish the importance of what happened. They will say they did it in response to how badly you were treating them. They will claim that you will never find anyone who will love you the way they do. They will promise to change.

The difficulty is that when you back down and agree to stay, they will act all friendly again for a while. You settle, thinking that things are back to normal and you hope that things will continue in this pleasant fashion. In an abusive relationship, the pleasantness never lasts long. The bad behavior kicks in again.

This is actually the cycle of abuse and the pleasant phase is actually the most dangerous for the victim. That's because the victim is tricked into believing that the abuser is actually a normal, nice person and the victim tends to forgive and forget the nastiness.

If you put up with a particular behavior, they will start ramping up the nastiness. Why? Because they can. The alternation of compliments with criticism, gifts and nastiness, rewards and punishments actually augments the dependency of the abused person on their abuser. Again, twisted, I know, but this is how it works.

Don't underestimate the power of the dependency that I mentioned above!

So, red flag number 5.

 

What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?

When people ask what are the first signs of an abusive relationship, it's common to think of shouting, name calling, threats and so on. Another typical warning sign is that of isolation. This is often quoted as an early warning sign but I don't consider it as such. As we have seen already, the earliest sign can occur in the first few moments of meeting someone. The next couple of hours also has many signs, it's just that most people are not familiar with them!

By the time a manipulator is isolating a victim from their friends and family, it usually means that they already have considerable control over the victim. The victim at this stage pays a lot of attention to what the abuser says and does. Remember the idea that the good times continue to roll only if the victim stays within the conditions of the abuser?

For example, when the victim goes out with friends and comes home, the abuser will often start an argument. The victim quickly learns that going out with friends means a row, so it becomes easier to just stay at home. The problem is that the victim thinks that it's their choice to stay at home. They think they are controlling the situation. They don't realize that they have been heavily influenced to make such decisions.

Much of the mind control techniques are hidden from the victim because, firstly, they wouldn't do such things to others so they don't expect that someone would do it to them. And secondly, because they are not aware that the person they are married to, or living with, is actually a professional liar, someone whose relationships are based on control and domination and exploitation. I am talking about, of course, psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists.

 

How do abusive relationships begin? Lies

Most fundamentally abusive relationships are based on lies. The abuser lies when they apologize, because they do the same awful stuff five minutes later. They lie about their past. They lie about what they think and do. They lie to keep you in the dark.

Even the fact that they love their partner is a lie. Thing about it for a moment. Do the nasty things abusers do to their victims indicate that they love them? Or does it indicate something else?

It can be difficult for some people in abusive relationships to recognize that they are living under a cascade of lies every day. They may suspect it, but can't find concrete evidence. Some don't even suspect it. Again, this is the nature of mind control. But lies there are. Gaslighting is one example of the lying nature of the abusers, trying to convince you something happened when it did not, or vice-versa.

In terms of how do abusive relationships begin, this is going to be red flag number 7.

 

How do abusive relationships begin? A recap

So the 7 major red flags are:

1. Excessive charm and love bombing

Example: you feel that having met this person only a few hours ago, they completely understand you, you want to share everything with them and you are thrilled that they are interested in you.

Action: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. You need to step back and investigate further before committing to anything with this new person who has just arrived on the scene.

 

2. First impression is that there is something seriously wrong here

Example: You meet someone and there is a bad vibe but you don't know why and you think it must be you.

Action: Pay attention to the signal. Your system is telling you that there is something wrong and it is worth finding out what that is.

 

3. You have no interest but the manipulator insists, even for months

Example: Someone bothers you for something that you are tempted to give in so as to get them to stop asking.

Action: If someone persists with asking you out, there is an underlying motive for it. Until you are sure what that motive is, do not commit to anything. Find another way to stop them from harassing you.

 

4. Bad behavior kicks in that is excused away

Example: Things happen in the relationship that you would not have tolerated in other relationships in the past. You end up accepting these episodes because somehow it seems like there is a plausible excuse.

Action: When something bad happens, keep the behavior and the excuse separate. What actually happened? In other circumstances would this be ok with you? If not, then you need to get out. There should be no acceptable excuse for abusive behavior.

 

5. Cycle of abuse

Example: You tell your partner how what they are doing is hurtful, unacceptable and disagreeable and they promise that things will be different in future but the same terrible things keep happening.

Action: Instead of having the arguments about the same thing over and over again, it's vital to start learning about abusers, abusive relationships so that you can take the steps to protect yourself, which may mean leaving the relationship.

 

6. Isolation

Example: You have stopped your hobbies and sports since you started in this relationship. You just don't seem to have time anymore. And you spend less time with friends and family because your partner wants all of your time for themselves.

Action: Can you figure out why exactly you stopped your activities? A good idea is to talk to your friends and family again about your relationship. They will often see things that you cannot. It may feel like a betrayal to tell them what your partner is up to, but if so, let that be another warning signal for you!

 

7. Lies, lies and more lies

Example: You may have caught your partner out in lies, but they just lie even more to try and cover up. Or you cannot even conceive of the idea that your partner might be lying, because you certainly wouldn't do that to them.

Action: It's time to leave. This is a 'three strikes and you're out' situation.

 

How do abusers manipulate their partners?

There are certain things to keep in mind about abusive relationships. There is a power imbalance in such situations. This is deliberately set up by the abusers to control and dominate their victims.

The abusers also create a reality and force their victims to live in this reality.

The abusers change people's personalities, forcing them to be submissive, subservient, obedient and loyal. This is done outside of people's awareness and obviously without their consent. There are particular mind control tactics used to do this.

You can learn more about how all these happen starting with this page about mind control.

And some people seem to end up in several abusive relationships and come to believe that they attract narcissists and sociopaths. The truth is that they don't attract the abusers, the abusers target them. Read what happens and what to do about it here. It obviously becomes very important to understand specifically how do abusive relationships begin in order not to get caught again!

 

What should I do if I suspect I'm in an abusive relationship?

• You need to learn about manipulation and mind control
• You need to learn about what makes someone a psychopath
• Understand what techniques were used against you and why
• Study how your thinking, perceptions, emotions and behavior were controlled
• Undo the changes to your personality
• Establish your real personality again
• Fix any other relationships that were influenced by your abuser

I know, that's a lot to do, but there are no short cuts.

Professional help is invaluable. Contact me if you are ready to begin that journey.

 

How do abusive relationships begin? More reading

If you need more information first, you can read about the stages of an abusive relationship, why are people emotionally abusive, a long list of warning signs of abusive relationships, how to leave an abusive relationship, and narcissistic abuse recovery.

Author: Dr. David Mc Dermott has been helping people leave situations of psychological abuse such as cults, abusive relationships and mobbing at work for over a decade. He has been in these situations himself and he brings this understanding to his work with his clients in many caring and helpful ways.

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