Learn How To Speak So Your Family Member
Or Friend In A Cult Actually Listens
Do you think you have a family member or friend in a cult?
You have noticed that their beliefs and behaviors have changed and their whole life is beginning to revolve around the group to the detriment of their own life. They are spending less and less time with their family and friends.
And despite the fact that they claim to be happy, they are spending more and more time with the group, giving money to the group (in the form of buying products or going to more and more expensive courses) or even working for free.
Or perhaps you don't even know where to start!
When you bring up the conversation about how they have changed, or about the group, they try to convince you of the benefits of the group, how their life has been made so much better and you should come along to a meeting or seminar, too!
Or they get defensive, saying that you don't understand and they refuse to continue the conversation.
(A cult can be a group of 2. A 'cultic relationship' is one where the boyfriend or girlfriend is a narcissist or a psychopath. In a group of 2, all the attention is directed towards one victim instead of many.)
There are certain things that you have to understand in order to deal with a family member or friend in a cult. Or rather, their pseudopersonality. Because that's what cults basically do. They superimpose a pseudo-personality on the individual that dominates the real personality.
This new pseudopersonality may have very different ideas and values than the real person. That's why so many people say of cult members 'They are not the same person. They're not who they used to be!'
This pseudopersonality, or false personality, is programmed to trust the leader, follow the leader and to defend the leader and the group. It is programmed to recruit people into the group. The person thinks they are helping others by bringing them along.
If you don't understand pseudopersonalities, you risk pushing the family member/friend in a cult even deeper into the doctrine of the cult and further away from those who actually love and care for them.
If you have a friend in a cult, you will know that they do not believe they have been brainwashed or manipulated. They know that nobody has held a gun to their head or forced them to do anything.
What most people don't know is that mind control can be even more powerful than a gun to the head because the victim believes that the person doing the manipulation is actually a friend, or a lover, or a teacher, who seems to be caring and honest.
You family member or friend in a cult will also not be able to see that they have not joined the cult, but that they were recruited. Nor will they recognize that there were lies, deception and trickery used to recruit them.
The best way to help a friend in a cult to start thinking for themselves is to learn yourself how mind control and cults work so that you can talk to them in such a way that they are willing to listen.
And it's useful to learn to listen so that they feel comfortable talking to you about their doubts and fears about the group.
The pseudopersonality does not completely destroy the person's real personality. It does, however, repress and dominate it. The real person is in there somewhere!
When the pseudopersonality is dominant, it can be very difficult to say anything negative about the group. This pseudopersonality is designed to protect itself. Any criticism of the 'new person', 'the new me', the group or the leader is not tolerated. Your friend in a cult may refuse to listen to any negative stuff, or more commonly, they fight back. They defend what they are doing as well as the ideas of the group, and most of all, they defend the leader.
They may sound like a recording, repeating words, phrases and arguments they have learnt in the group. These phrases are used to counter any objections outsiders have about the group and are often so vague it is difficult to argue against them.
When a family member or friend in a cult insists that 'you don't understand because you have not been to a group meeting', or that 'you are closed to new ideas', it is absolutely no use trying to deal with these arguments (unless, of course, you have been to some meetings!).
It is better to back off and talk about things later. But when?
When you notice that the pseudopersonality is not so strong, or the real personality is dominant, this is a much better opportunity to bring up things about the group. The member is often much more amenable to listening to things about the group.
Cult members learn 'thought-stopping' techniques such as chanting, praying, tricks to change the topic of conversation etc. so they do not have to listen to criticism of the group or leader. These can be very frustrating because it means there is no way to get through to the member if you don't know how to deal with them.
Your family member or friend in a cult may be quite aggressive in attacking the person doing the criticism. This is because cults typically 'teach' that outsiders are wrong, bad, dangerous, stupid, sinners or mad and that they are to blame for the ills of the world. Understand that there may be arguments but be patient. Your friend is not attacking you, it's the programmed pseudopersonality that is having a go at you.
Cults also install phobias in the members, phobias about leaving the group, phobias in relation to the outside world and even phobias about their friends and families. Typically your family member/friend in a cult will not even be aware that they have developed a phobia but it continues working outside of their awareness.
This makes it all the more powerful and at the same time more difficult to deal with if you are not on the lookout for such things.
Cult members will refuse to accept they are victims. After all, no-one has held a gun to their head or forced them to do anything. Therefore they reason that they have been making their own decisions, they have been choosing freely.
And on top of that, if you insist that the person they consider a friend or helper or savior is the one taking advantage of them, then you are the one who has lost the plot. You are the one who doesn't understand the whole picture. You are the one that is mistaken!
All this can be exasperating and exhausting. Many families feel that if they keep pushing that their loved one will actually leave the house and not come back. Or if the family member in a cult comes to visit once or twice a month, the family is afraid to voice their fears in case the cult member stops visiting.
It's important that you have a rich understanding of how cults recruit their members, how they systematically change the personality and beliefs of the members because this will give you a different perspective on why your friend in a cult is acting, thinking and talking the way they do.
It may seem bizarre, weird and even ridiculous that cult members can believe the things they do, but if you have a family member or friend in a cult, you will have witnessed the changes in them.
Their reality has been changed and narrowed tremendously, but they cannot understand that. It is one of the contradictions of cults that they believe they are learning new and important things that can potentially change the world ('if only everyone knew about this!!') while the reality is that they are living in an ever decreasing world.
When a mind control victim understands the mechanism of mind control, and realizes what was done to them, how it was done, and the motivations behind the manipulator, then the mind control no longer has a hold over them…
But getting to this point with a family member or friend in a cult can be very difficult, because the new personality has been programmed to defend itself, to ignore anyone who speaks out about against the group or the leader or even to aggressively defend the group.
They cannot see that they have been manipulated and influenced. They don't realize the profundity of the effects they have been subjected to.
This occurs for several reasons. First of all, they believe the group is helping them, the leader is benevolent and generous and is looking after them.
Secondly, the changes often occur one step at a time, and while to outsiders the changes may seem radical, to your friend in a cult they seem normal and natural. And thirdly, the cult members believe that they are making their own decisions and choosing for themselves.
Unfortunately, by the time most people learn about cults it's because they have a family member or friend in a cult who has been deceived into joining the group, or they are in or leaving a cult themselves, and they need to find information.
If you think you have a family member or friend in a cult, do something about it now!
When people leave cults one of the biggest upsets is that they have lost months or years of their lives. Time is something we cannot get back. Once it is gone, it is gone forever.
People in cults are trained to believe that they are happy, and will often say they have never been happier. When they undo the mind control, they realize that it was all false and the time in the cult was a complete waste of their time.
Thinking that they are adults and made their own decisions is a big mistake. Thinking they will leave when they are ready is also a big mistake. Even when the leader says that members can leave anytime they like, this is not true. The members of a cult have tremendous difficulty leaving. They often need help from outside to be able to make that decision.
That means that the family member or friend in a cult needs your help!
And get professional help. It changes things tremendously!
One important factor to keep in mind is that helping someone out of a cult (someone who is not aware that they are in a cult) is a major undertaking. It takes time, effort, study and patience. If the person is already doubting, the process is much easier.
Remember that you are not responsible for your friends' lives. Whether you decide you want to help your friend or not, it's important to recognize that there is no right or wrong thing to do here. If you decide to go for it, great. If you think it's too much, then that's ok, too. You have a life to lead as well, and it is true that cults not only affect the lives of the members but also the lives of those close to them. You don't have to allow the cult to take up your life.
Family members in cults is another matter and people typically feel more sense of duty to help family in such situations.
If you decide you do want to help your friend to leave the cult, start learning! The knowledge will not be wasted and, who knows, it may even help you from being recruited into a cult yourself.
Read more about mind control, what makes a cult, cult recruiting, how to brainwash someone and how to escape a cult.
Would you like to talk to someone about your situation?
If you think you are, or have been, in a cult or a destructive relationship, or a friend or family member might be in a cult and you want to talk to someone, send me a message on the Contact page and we can arrange to talk. All communication will be treated in the strictest confidence.